The fucked up elections

Modi, Mayawati, Rahul, Mamta
Jo marzi aa jaaye,
Iss desh ka nahi hona kuch ghanta

282 seats and a clear majority,
The nation was set to change,
And of course it did.. change the notes.

I screamed with excitement,
"Modi ne black money ki maarli!!"
1 saal baad bada dukh hua,
Jab RBI ne bola, dude, 99% money is back in the economy

Par Modi ne bola tha,
Bahot hua naari pe vaar, Ab ki baar Modi Sarkaar,
But a report last year said Nirbhaya fund was unused,
While politicians bought vaddi-vaddi cars

100 Smart cities banengi,
Halla ye macha tha,
Modi hai uss aunty ki tarah,
Fair and Lovely hai raaz jinki twacha ka

Surgical strike se mujhe bhi josh aaya tha,
Pakistan ki MKB main bhi chillaya tha,
Jawaan ke pass na saaf paani, na dhang ka khaana,
Par Modi ko toh Army ka credit apni chhaati pe hai chipkaana

But what the fuck can I do?
Because I keep asking myself,
If not Modi,
Then Who? Batao bhai who?

Ek taraf Rahul hai,
Dusri taraf Mayawati UP wali,
Iss se acha toh main Bangladesh bhaag jau,
Kyuki Mamta didi ne kar dia hai wo khaali

Maha-gathbhandhan is the only alternative,
"Sab mile hue hai ji" said Kejriwal a few years back,
Full of politicians who were once rivals,
He now wants to be a part of this dirty stack

With all his mighty words,
Modi seems like a true nationalist,
But a quick look at his candidates across the country,
Koi hai murderer, toh koi hai rapist

Pulwama ke shaheedo ke naam pe vote do,
He raised both his hands up towards the sky,
From where a plane had crashed killing an HAL pilot,
His wife (Garima Abrol) fighting out a battle to understand why..

But let's not forget,
Ambani and Adani are flaunting a new shine,
One got a defence deal without ever making a plane,
The other got dense forests to dig a coal mine..

Par desh ka yuwa jaag chuka hai,
Ab wo uthke 1 GB data khatam karega,
Employment aur missing data ki maa ki aankh,
Wo whatsapp pe Hindu Musalmaan pe ladega

Par kya karein sahab,
Saamne wo aadmi hai jiska nasha koi nahi samjha,
72000 aur 72000 crore mein kya difference hai,
Mujhe toh lagta hai he is always high on Gaanja

Main tumhare dharm aur caste ka hu,
Isliye you should vote for me,
Iss hi chakkar mein election nikal gaya,
Asli mudda koi samjha hi nahi

But how bad will it be,
If Mayawati becomes the prime minister?
Bharke crime, badi statues and reservation everywhere,
Uth jao saalo, apna desh hai, we should care!

Nearly a million people died of pollution last year,
Par uss se kya fark padta hai,
Election toh bas wo party jeetegi,
Jiska bhakt hindu ko bachaane ke liye ladta hai

Koi press reporter nahi puchta Swacchh Bharat ka status,

Sab puchte hai "Modiji aap kyu nahi thakkte?"

Par 70 saal mein yehi hai pehla PM,

Jisey pata tha ki shauch khule mein nahi karte

Lokpal ke liye Ramlila Maidan main bhi gaya tha,

Topi pehen ke bola tha "Main bhi Anna",

Kejriwal said corruption khatam kar denge,

Par ab mann karta hai dedu usme ganna,

But then came Modi,

And repeated 'bahot hua bhrashtachaar",

But just to elect the first Lokpal head,

Usne lagaaye saal poore chaar

Aur Rahul manifesto mein kehta hai,

Main karunga corruption khatam,

Fir aao bhai aur karo investigate,

Apni mummy, behen aur jijaji ke karam

And then Modi passed a finance bill,

To make all political foreign funding legal,

Na koi question karega, na unki hogi investigation,

BC mere toh 5 rupay ki transaction ko bhi rakhte ho under observation

Rahul talks about decriminalizing sedition,

Aur kehta hai AFSPA hatao,

Bhakt kehte hai ki ye bada khatra hai

Arey dono zara iska full form toh batao

Education would be the focus,
I wanted to Modi to say,
Jab bola dikhao apni aur Smriti ki degree,

Toh dono buri tarah bhadak gaye

Though I must admit,

Railways, highways and infrastructure are booming,

Airports, waterways and Solar energy are the focus,

And these will surely set the growth curve zooming

But something is seriously wrong,
Pakistan ko gaali dena is the definition of nationalism,

No one cares about education, agriculture and health,

Kahan hai bhai isme rationalism?

Loan waivers is not the solution,

Give farmers what they need,

Respect, fair price, technology and transparency,
This is what they need to succeed

Modi Modi, Rahul Rahul,

People everywhere are screaming,

Will I get an India where everyone is equal,

I just keep dreaming..

And finally, I would just like to repeat,

Modi, Mayawati, Rahul, Mamta
Jo marzi aa jaaye,
Iss desh ka nahi hona kuch ghanta

Make me a cow near Yogi Adityanath's home in next birth; Man tells Yamraj his last wish

With the recent focus on beef ban and Gau Rakshak squads gaining prominence, the rising status of cows has left people and animals jealous and deprived of attention. The issue has gained so much importance that even Yamraj, the god responsible for taking humans to heaven and hell, hasn't been spared.

In a bizarre incident, a man named Gaushal has claimed that he saw Yamraj calling out his name to leave the Earth, but he set a condition in front of Yamraj as his last wish if he wanted to take him away. When Yamraj asked Gaushal about his wish, Gaushal told him that he wanted to be a cow near Yogi Adityanath's home in his next birth.

"I want to live life peacefully and produce biogas. I want people who can protect me, people who feed me and play with my gobar. I want people to respect me and let me sit in the middle of the road while I munch upon freshly picked grass. And, I want to be sure that I'm not becoming beef after death. Yogiji's UP promises everything for me as a cow!", Gaushal told a surprised Yamraj.

Yamraj, in his traditional style tried bargaining with Gaushal and offered to make him a cow in Saudi Arabia, to which Gaushal trembled and asked for mercy. He was then offered the life of a street vdog in Delhi, which Gaushal again refused to accept. "I don't want to be beaten up every single night! I don't want people to do to me what I've done to dogs all my life!", replied Gaushal.

Yamraj, who has a rule to decide in less than 180 seconds, could not come to a decision with Gaushal and wanted the intervention of the HOD of Yamraj University on this matter. The HOD has reportedly told Yamraj that such requests have been rising exponentially in the last few days and if all these are accepted, we could soon have more cows than humans in Uttar Pradesh.

Meanwhile, other animals have expressed their resentment towards the biased behavior of humans towards cows. Ram Lal, a dog near Yogi Adityanath's home has decided to bark throughout the night to draw attention towards his apathy.

British government tricks India- to rename Mallya as "Kohinoor" before returning him

After arresting Vijay Mallya on India's request, the British government has now decided to rename Vijay Mallya as "Kohinoor" as it feels that he is a diamond for India. The decision came after a cabinet meeting held in London, where the ministers realized that India wanted Mallya as much as the Kohinoor.

"We thought of returning the Kohinoor to India last week. But the Indian government had been requesting Mallya's extradition to India and we thought of 'ek teer se do nishaane'", said Theresa May, the Prime Minister of Britain after the cabinet meeting.

The Kohinoor diamond had been taken away by the Britishers during their imperial rule in India. Subsequent government's have requested Britain to return the diamond but all requests have been willfully ignored. "India has produced two wonderful diamonds. One has a value in millions which we stole from India, the other has stolen millions and has been sent by India. We see both of them as diamonds worth millions and therefore India should be happy that Vijay Kohinoor Mallya is finally returning to India.", Theresa added in her press statement.

Meanwhile, Vijay Mallya has asked the British government for a loan so that he can take bail and avoid going to jail. The British government has reportedly told Mallya that if the loan is not repaid, he will have to give "teen guna lagaan" along with selling Virat Kohli to the England cricket team from Royal Challengers Bangalore.

The Indian government has released a statement saying that India is more than happy to get a 2 in 1 package from Britain in the form of Vijay Kohinoor Mallya. 

Delhi boy’s thumb breaks, mobile screen cracks after using Tinder for 57 hours without a break

Unable to find true love for the last 25 years, Prem Singh, a resident of Delhi spent 57 hours on Tinder without a break trying to find a match for himself. Prem, who was oblivious to dating apps, was informed about the existence of Tinder by his friend Aman who had received plenty of matches on the hookup app. Aman explained Prem that Tinder was his only hope to find a girl before his parents make a profile for him on Shaadi.com.

Realizing the urgency of the situation, Prem went berserk and swiped right, a way to express a like on Tinder, to every girl’s profile that showed up on the screen.

“Prem took leave from office and told everyone that he was locking himself in a room for spiritual reasons, something that he often says before watching porn, but I knew it was Tinder this time. 2 days later, I was sitting in the other room when suddenly Prem screamed. I thought he had finally found a match but when I rushed to his room, I saw he had broken his thumb while swiping. I quickly took his phone and tried calling his parents but realized that the right half of the screen had already vanished because of liking each and every girl’s profile! F**king idiot!”, said his flat mate Ram.

“I swiped right to almost every girl on the planet. I faked my location using softwares to see girls from different locations, but what did I get? Zero matches and a personal message from Tinder saying “Tumse na ho payega”?! I even uploaded a fashion model’s picture to see if I get any matches. I did get one, but I knew the girl was talking to at least 48 other guys. Made me feel like a bull in the Jalikattu ring who should crack jokes, be entertaining and what not. Prove yourself or perish!”, Prem said in an exclusive interview to FakingNews.

Meanwhile, Shaadi.com has taken cognizance of this event and offered lifetime free membership to Prem.

Ola Share user who boarded a cab 3 days back, still waiting for his drop

With the craze about Ola share rising rapidly, a baffling incident has been reported by one of the riders who has been stuck in an Ola shared cab for the last three days, still waiting for his drop. The Ola Share user, Musafir Singh who is a resident of Bangalore, decided to take an Ola Share cab from his office to home in the evening, paying lesser than the fare of an AC bus. In the first few minutes itself, he was sharing the cab with two others, their drops being 500 kms apart.

"I'm stuck!! Still stuck in the cab! Please tweet to Sushma Swaraj and rescue me!", screamed Musafir when contacted by FakingNews for his views on Ola Share. "I have been sleeping with the driver for the last three days. Even his family knows me now, but can somebody please drop me home?", he added.

Musafir complained that whenever he reached close to his home, the driver's phone would ring for a new pickup in the opposite direction. He even blamed his luck for the massive delay in his drop. "On the second day, I was crossing my office and finally heading towards my home, when the phone beeped and the driver accepted the pickup. It turned out to be my manager who asked me for my daily status report!", said Musafir.

On the flip side, the Ola driver is happy that he has found a brother in Musafir. "I have invited him to my daughter's wedding and I will personally pick him up, not in a Shared cab of course. This is not new. One day, after midnight, an eloping couple booked a pooled cab to run away from their parents. After 8 hours, when they were still waiting for their drop, they decided to take the bus and go back home. Their parents thanked Ola and me.", the driver smiled with pride.

Ola has clarified that Musafir is still going to pay Rs 72 for the ride, despite covering more than 470 kms till now.

Delhiite working in Bangalore hides in office toilet for 6 hrs after colleague mentions Kejriwal's name

Employees of a Bangalore office were left in panic yesterday when one of their colleagues went missing suddenly during a casual conversation. The incident happened after lunch when the employees were casually discussing politics and one of them started abusing Kejriwal. The missing employee, Kirandeep Bedi, sneaked out from the conversation and switched off his phone for almost 6 hours. After repeated attempts to reach Kirandeep, the employees reported the incident to the HR's who swung into action immediately and started an email chain to find him.

"We all were frightened! Kirandeep is a very outspoken guy who moved to Bangalore recently and works 24x7, not leaving his seat even for a minute. We searched for him everywhere, under the receptionist's table, inside the drawer's of everyone's cubicles, behind flower pots and infact even in the women's toilet which was indeed our last hope.", said Kumar, his project manager. "We don't have CCTVs in office because the ones who come inside never leave office due to work", he added. 

Kirandeep Singh was later found inside the Security Gaurd's toilet, murmuring "Why Delhi why!" subconsciously. 

"Why do people have to talk about politics everyday?", asked Kirandeep when inquired about the reason. "Ho gayi saalo galti usey laake, maine akele ni diya tha vote, sabne diya tha, ab kya jaan loge! Nahi hu bc main Dilli ka.", he added, visibly infuriated. Kirandeep is now planning to start a petition to change the name of Delhi so that people like him can answer "I'm not from Delhi" whenever there is any conversation related to Kejriwal.

Meanwhile, the HRs have finally added a new policy after nearly 3 decades of copy pasting from other organizations. The policy states that "No one will mention Arvind Kejriwal's name during office hours as it can lead to disputes, low employee morale and sudden disappearance of people". The HRs have also thanked Kirandeep Singh as they now have a major achievement to show just before the appraisal season.

Bangalore car driver drives 200km in search of U-turn to reach home

Alternate title- Bangalore car driver reaches Mysore in search of U-turn to reach home

In another bizarre tale of Bangalore's ever increasing traffic woes, more than hundred car drivers reportedly reached Mysore while searching for a u-turn to reach home. The drivers had started from their offices on outer ring road and had to take a u-turn to reach their homes on the other side of the road but the Bangalore Traffic police made some unexpected changes due to which the car drivers kept on driving, finally finding a u-turn near Mysore.

"U-turns and one ways! At one point, I even asked a few passerby's to help me lift the car and place it on the other side of the road. But some of them rushed and sat inside my car as they had been waiting to cross the road for the last 6 days and finally saw some hope", said a frustrated driver after reaching Mysore. "I could see my home on the right side 5 minutes after starting from office, but then I never found a u-turn. When i did find one, the Google maps lady asked me to keep going straight and I missed it!", he further lamented.

Even Google Maps isn't able to understand the sudden changes by Bangalore traffic police. "Our users have been banging their cars into dividers. When our map says take a u-turn, there never is one. That's the magic of Bangalore Traffic police.", said a developer working on Google maps.

Meanwhile, Bangalore Traffic police has termed this as "suspense driving", in which the driver is always alert. "U-turns should be a suspense and we are going to make this game even more interesting", said a policeman.