'Twinkle Twinkle little star' removed from Delhi's nursery syllabus as stars disappear in smog

The Delhi government on Monday took an encouraging step to raise awareness among children towards pollution by removing an age-old kindergarten rhyme from the syllabus.

The poem, ‘Twinkle twinkle little star’, had been misleading the children in Delhi for a long time now as the pollution levels had risen beyond control. A lot of children had been asking their teachers and parents to show them stars, to which they had repeatedly played Coldplay’s “A sky full of stars” to divert their attention.

“It is difficult for everyone now. The last time someone saw stars in Delhi was 15 years back. The kids are being ridiculous,” said Taara Singh, the Principal of Little Stars World Universe International school, welcoming the government’s decision.

“We also plan to remove any poem related to ‘Chanda Maamu’ as well,” he added.

Parents are equally relieved as they are the ones who have to handle kids at night. “My daughter bought a telescope to see stars but all she could manage to see through the smog and pollution is the street light opposite our home. We somehow convinced her that it was an orange star,” said Twinkle Sharma, mother of a 4 year old girl.

The Delhi government is now planning stronger steps to curb anything that creates a sense of distress among people related to pollution and their childhood stargazing memories, starting from anyone whose name resembles stars, planets or moon. The prime targets are people named Taara, Chaand, Mangal and Twinkle.

Pakistan's F-16 planes to be used for selling vegetables due to unaffordable maintenance cost

The much hyped F-16 fighter jets that Pakistan received from the US will no longer be stationed at Pakistan's air force bases due to unaffordable maintenance costs. The fighter jets were received by Pakistan as a part of its pseudo war against India behind the veil of "Fight against terrorism" and have since then been lying unused.

"These jets make us feel like a beggar holding an iphone. No matter how good the phone is, we can't afford even its back cover", said Pakistan's Air Chief Marshal. "It will be good if we can instead use these jets for better purposes like selling aloo, pyaaz and tamatar."

The Pakistan Air Force had accepted these jets open heartedly and had even received 5 litres of free fuel from the United States. "They didn't tell us that these jets don't run on diesel or CNG. We tried fitting a CNG cylinder on one of the jets for better mileage but minutes later the cylinder as well as the jet were flying in the air, in a hundred pieces each", lamented Nawaz Haraami, a close aide of the prime minister of Pakistan. "This is a bloody useless plane. The only useful parts are the tyres with which the kids can play using sticks." added Nawaz.

The fighter planes have some space behind the cockpit which will now be used for keeping vegetables. "Finally I will be able to drive this plane, though it will be pulled on the streets by Chattu-Battu, the official cows of Pakistan Army", exclaimed a fighter jet pilot who had trained on a Maruti 800 designed as an F-16 plane.

The American government is embarrassed though. In a recent interview with Faking News, a US diplomat to Pakistan said, "There is not a single occasion when Pakistan does not show it's real standard of a true beggar. No matter how much we assist them, it will always remain like a toilet with a stolen a gate which hasn't been flushed for years."

There is also a possibility that these jets may be used for drying clothes from a nearby laundry if the vegetable business does not earn enough revenue for Pakistan.

Coldplay to offer EMI options for it's Mumbai concert tickets

After rumours of Coldplay performing in Mumbai in November, and another rumour of the concert tickets being priced between Rs. 25000 to 5 lakhs, Coldplay has finally confirmed that they will offer EMI options for Indians to attend the concert if they do perform in India. The band was forced to announce the EMI option after massive uproar against the exorbitantly priced tickets which took a sudden political turn when Arvind Kejriwal called Coldplay a puppet of Mukesh Ambani.

Chris Martin, the band's vocalist, clarified that the tickets have been priced after calculating the amount that a person would have after selling a kidney and buying an iPhone 7. "We do not want our supporters' money to go waste. Whatever is leftover after selling a kidney and buying an iPhone can be used for the concert ticket", said Chris.

Meanwhile, millions of Coldplay supporters have already stopped eating to save money for the concert. FakingNews interviewed Gattu Singh from Mumbai, who claims to be the biggest fan of Coldplay. He said "I will eat only curd rice for the next three months to save money for the EMI. Concert to jaake rahunga".

Another Coldplay fan, who has always sold fake tickets outside movie theatres, is upset as the fake tickets he had printed have only Rs. 3000 printed on them. "Saara mazaa kharab ho gaya!".

Meanwhile, to cash in on the sudden increase in demand for credit cards, HDFC and SBI have launched offers to give free local train tickets to the concert venue, an attractive offer for the bankrobbed fans!

IT Engineer faints in Bangalore PG due to lack of oxygen in room

An IT engineer in Bengaluru, Araam Singh, fell unconscious on Sunday due to lack of Oxygen in his PG room. Araam Singh had recently moved into the new 10-sharing PG room after shifting to Bengaluru last week and had complained of uneasiness in the last two days when an 11th person was adjusted into the room by the owner.

After inspection of the room, the police confirmed that the room was fit only for 2 people and the rest had been illegally adjusted. There was exactly one window and that too was inside the bathroom.

Initial investigation has revealed that one of the room mates had some trouble digesting the mixture of rubber and gum provided by the mess inside the PG, after which he had to spend half the day in the bathroom, thereby cutting off the only supply of oxygen from the bathroom window to the entire room. Adding to the misery, the room mate closed the window since he could see some women staring at him from the opposite flat's balcony.

Araam Singh, who himself was waiting for his turn to use the bathroom, was lying down half unconscious when suddenly he started screaming "Oxygen chahiye, Oxgyen kodi, Oxygen maadi, Oxygen beku!", using whatever Kannada words he had learned in the last two weeks,

The PG owner couldn't understand what Araam Singh wanted and had to hop over all the beds to reach Araam Singh. Things were in control finally when one person suggested to throw Araam Singh on the terrace where he finally recovered.

As of the latest update, Araam Singh has reportedly been shifted to a newly constructed premiere room in the PG with one window next to the bed at double the cost.

Untitled

It's 7pm. I walk out of my newly constructed swanky office. The world outside is completely different. There is chaos. And only chaos. The bus stop is just outside the gate, I prefer walking to the other stop 2 kms away, my only source of workout, better than going to the gym and walking on a tread mill.

I start walking in the so-called multi directional two lane service road. Footpaths never existed, they never will. I plug-in my earphones to cancel out the unnecessary honking from cars and bikes around, i guess some drivers have their hands glued to horns. Walking along the edge, one bike almost hits my hand. Nothing serious as long as I'm alive. Just ahead, an entry/exit point to the service road catches my attention as I see a car and an auto almost banging into each other. Both of them pressed the horn, none pressed the brake. A biker behind dodges both of them by driving in the opposite lane, he loves his life it seems. An unexpected, yet not so unexpected, pothole follows and he tries to move it away by honking, doesn't work, the pothole doesn't listen. Rapid slowdown, imbalance, and almost a fall, regains control and survives. Sadly, his family will see him again today. I decide to take off my earphones, just in case I miss a horn that was intended for me.

50 metres ahead is a lake, now a garbage dump. I see it from my lake-view cubicle everyday, sadly I don't like the view, it's a filthy one. Just next to that, almost encroaching into the lake is a "Lake View Apartment". I expected trees instead. Another garbage dump ahead, I always prefer the other side of the road while crossing it to avoid the emanating fragrance. The road ahead is narrow now. Shops, traffic, encroachments, stalls and more traffic, The main road is jammed so everyone starts entering the service lane. Somewhere ahead, a heroic bus driver is trying the same and now all the roads are jammed. I walk past the stuck vehicles, smirking at them and stop at a juice shop for a break. Hygiene, who cares, just gulp it down. A single-digit aged kid is sweeping the surroundings, I wonder if he has been trafficked from somewhere, ignore it, let there be an incident, I'll join the protest instead- on facebook. I hand him 20 bucks, that wont make me poor, but will make him 20% richer for the day. Now we are equal, maybe. The jam is getting worse and the bikers start occupying whatever space was left to walk. Everybody is trying to create music with their horns. Potential A R Rahmans. An old man murmurs "Khade hone ki bhi jagah nahi hai yahan". True uncle, I wish your generation had controlled your night fantasies, we might have had lesser population.

I start walking again to the bus stop, smiling at the jam entering the underpass. Surprisingly (not so surprising for me, it's my daily route!), a narrow footpath begins. I start walking on it, but no, yesterday I saw an uncovered ditch under a non-functional street light. Better walk on the road, thankfully it's one way now, except a few bikes coming from the opposite direction. I'm Almost near the bus stop, have to cross the road, time to be a daredevil, not the IPL team of course, they are terrible. A driver speeds up on seeing me crossing the road, I step back, only because his vehicle is stronger than my body. I run and cross the road, wondering if blind people walk only on one side of the city. Nevermind.

A bus is waiting for me. I run to board it. It starts before i can keep my foot. I backtrack. I'm scared of crowded buses, not because I'm Demophobic (I googled the word, you do it too), but because I lost a phone last year, and was lucky enough to have caught the next new phone in the hand of the passenger behind. I couldn't do anything, didn't know the language, wasn't a local citizen in my own country. The bus stops again, I run and board it, no wonder women don't prefer wearing sarees now.

The ticket is for 5 rupees. I have change but I prefer to collect coins, just in case someday the conductor genuinely does not have change. I give 10 to the conductor, he gives me the ticket, asks for change, I refuse, he starts writing behind the ticket, I take out my wallet and pretend to have shockingly found the change- I didn't keep it here, maybe the person next to me did. I give him the change, he gives me my note back. This time he doesn't give the ticket. Just two quick stops, I don't insist, but I do fear the checkers.

A well-off person is standing next to me. Doesn't seem like a frequent public transport user. The bus halts, he moves towards the door to de-board, somebody blocks his way, I open my phone and start checking whatsapp, the person gets down and immediately comes back inside. His phone is missing. Just what I feared. He shouts at the driver to stop the bus, the driver ignores, the conductor treats him as untouchable, the other passengers are least interested to help. I try to offer help, this time he ignores, frantically checking his pockets and looking around. The bus stops again, I get down, start walking towards home, no street lights, a dusty road opposite a flashy mall.

Maybe Modi is right. There must be millions regretting being born in India, my strong nationalist sentiments also shaking day by day. The pride that was instilled during childhood seems to be diminishing.

I reach home, turn on my laptop to write this. And midway, there is a power cut. Thank god, it's a laptop, a charged one.

'Dead' Shah Jahan wakes up from his grave due to intolerable stench from Yamuna

Agra was in for an early morning shock when Shah Jahan, the Mughal Emporer who dedicated the Taj Mahal to his wife Mumtaz, rose up from his grave with his face totally covered- coughing, sneezing and screaming. 

The Agra police was immediately informed by the local caretakers, who mistook Shah Jahan to be an aspiring Ram Lila actor of a local slum nearby. At first, Shah Jahan was beaten up by everyone present at the spot including the UP police, which also framed a few charges of recent unsolved thefts on Shah Jahan. No one was ready to buy Shah Jahan's argument that he really was 'The Mughal Emporer who built the Taj Mahal'. It was found that the accused, Shah Jahan aka Tittu, had extremely valuable diamonds with him which further strengthened UP police's case of robbery and theft.

Some even accused him of being, Tittu, an absconding patient from Agra's all-so-famous mental hospial. Tittu, who wanted everyone to call him Shah Jahan, kept screaming and weeping, constantly complaining about the intolerable smell from the Yamuna that filled his grave and made it unbearable for him to lie down anymore inside. He also said that he chose the wrong country to build the Taj Mahal and now he wants a refund from the builders who convinced him to choose Agra as the place to build the 'Monument of Love'.

"Koi nahi bakshaa jayega, pehle 20 hazaar haath kaate the, ab 1 crore sirr kaate jayenge!", screamed Tittu when contacted by Faking News reporter. Soon after, he fell unconscious as Ballu Singh, a police constable punched him on his head. "Arey kuch ni hai, bas iski khopdi sahi karne laagi hai, 2-4 bhaped ke theek kar denge", said Ballu.

To prove his identity, Shah Jahan asked reporters to take his history test, just like Munna's test in Lage Rago Munna Bhai. Some blamed "Chemical Locha" for Tittu's condition, but everyone was surprised when Tittu answered questions that even historians did not know. Meanwhile, Mayawati has asked for a CBI inquiry to determine if Shah Jahan belonged to her 'caste', failing which she will launch a protest march till the Taj Mahal.

On special request, Shah Jahan was taken for a round of Agra which he claimed was once the most beautiful city in the world. On seeing the traffic, garbage and the insensitive people, teary eyed Tittu wanted to go back to his grave and stay there forever.

Shah Jahan has also started a petition with Change.org to shift his Taj Mahal to a cleaner place, preferably outside India where he can rest in peace, literally. Politicians have started rushing towards Agra to support the cause, with Arvind Kejriwal terming him as "Janta ka Raja" and CM Akhilesh Singh honoring him with a Rs. 200 cheque as pension, which later bounced. PM Modi has asked Shah Jahan to meet him in some other country as he rarely stays in India.

Air India passengers mistake aircraft for Big Boss Set, start fighting with each other

Obsessed with TV reality show Big Boss, Air India passengers on-board flight number AI-888 mistook it for being the Big Boss season 8 house and started fighting with each other right after taking their seats. The confusion happened when the air hostess started the safety announcement by saying "Big Boss chahte hai ki aap sab kursi ki peti baandh le" (Big Boss wants you to fasten your seat belts). The confused passengers looked around to see that the flight looked similar to the Big Boss set and even had a cockpit similar to the one in Big Boss. The passengers were totally convinced when the pilot announced his name as Salman Khan while giving the details of the journey. Sitting in disbelief, they could not control their emotions on having got an opportunity to be a part of the reality show.

"It was an unforgettable flight", recounts one of the passengers who was on-board the flight. "Right after take-off, the air hostesses said that we will have to complete a task to be served food. The passengers were divided into two teams, and even though my team won, we were given raw vegetables and a gas cylinder to cook food in the plane!"

The problems started arising when one person wanted to eat rice and the other wanted roti. None of them wanted to compromise and started arguing. In the end, nobody got anything.

At this point, tempers started rising and a person from the losing team started abusing the winning team for having cheated. One of the passengers got so emotional that she shut herself in one of the restrooms forever while the other passengers kept waiting for their turn outside.

"She is still inside and crying. The whole flight is flooded, our crew has been working overtime to clear the floor, but she seems to have bought these tears from some wholesale shop. Even the pilots had to wipe the floor using their clothes", confirmed an Air India official.

When Faking News contacted the other passengers to know the reason for this situation, they found that her only demand was to throw the person who abused her - out of the emergency exit. They tried doing that but 4-5 passengers fell as soon as the door opened. They are the only ones who seem to be mentally stable.

To add to the twists that Big Boss 8 promises, the pilot, Mr. Salman Khan rotated the flight 180 degrees as all passengers fell on their heads, leaving everyone unconscious.

"That was the only way to reach the destination safely with such passengers on-board.", said Salman Khan after landing the flight with his wet clothes hanging from the windows.