Sunday, November 27, 2016

Delhiite working in Bangalore hides in office toilet for 6 hrs after colleague mentions Kejriwal's name

Employees of a Bangalore office were left in panic yesterday when one of their colleagues went missing suddenly during a casual conversation. The incident happened after lunch when the employees were casually discussing politics and one of them started abusing Kejriwal. The missing employee, Kirandeep Bedi, sneaked out from the conversation and switched off his phone for almost 6 hours. After repeated attempts to reach Kirandeep, the employees reported the incident to the HR's who swung into action immediately and started an email chain to find him.

"We all were frightened! Kirandeep is a very outspoken guy who moved to Bangalore recently and works 24x7, not leaving his seat even for a minute. We searched for him everywhere, under the receptionist's table, inside the drawer's of everyone's cubicles, behind flower pots and infact even in the women's toilet which was indeed our last hope.", said Kumar, his project manager. "We don't have CCTVs in office because the ones who come inside never leave office due to work", he added. 

Kirandeep Singh was later found inside the Security Gaurd's toilet, murmuring "Why Delhi why!" subconsciously. 

"Why do people have to talk about politics everyday?", asked Kirandeep when inquired about the reason. "Ho gayi saalo galti usey laake, maine akele ni diya tha vote, sabne diya tha, ab kya jaan loge! Nahi hu bc main Dilli ka.", he added, visibly infuriated. Kirandeep is now planning to start a petition to change the name of Delhi so that people like him can answer "I'm not from Delhi" whenever there is any conversation related to Kejriwal.

Meanwhile, the HRs have finally added a new policy after nearly 3 decades of copy pasting from other organizations. The policy states that "No one will mention Arvind Kejriwal's name during office hours as it can lead to disputes, low employee morale and sudden disappearance of people". The HRs have also thanked Kirandeep Singh as they now have a major achievement to show just before the appraisal season.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Bangalore car driver drives 200km in search of U-turn to reach home

Alternate title- Bangalore car driver reaches Mysore in search of U-turn to reach home

In another bizarre tale of Bangalore's ever increasing traffic woes, more than hundred car drivers reportedly reached Mysore while searching for a u-turn to reach home. The drivers had started from their offices on outer ring road and had to take a u-turn to reach their homes on the other side of the road but the Bangalore Traffic police made some unexpected changes due to which the car drivers kept on driving, finally finding a u-turn near Mysore.

"U-turns and one ways! At one point, I even asked a few passerby's to help me lift the car and place it on the other side of the road. But some of them rushed and sat inside my car as they had been waiting to cross the road for the last 6 days and finally saw some hope", said a frustrated driver after reaching Mysore. "I could see my home on the right side 5 minutes after starting from office, but then I never found a u-turn. When i did find one, the Google maps lady asked me to keep going straight and I missed it!", he further lamented.

Even Google Maps isn't able to understand the sudden changes by Bangalore traffic police. "Our users have been banging their cars into dividers. When our map says take a u-turn, there never is one. That's the magic of Bangalore Traffic police.", said a developer working on Google maps.

Meanwhile, Bangalore Traffic police has termed this as "suspense driving", in which the driver is always alert. "U-turns should be a suspense and we are going to make this game even more interesting", said a policeman.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Rahul Gandhi stands in Toilet queue instead of ATM by mistake; cries money is missing

Carrying on his lethal protest against demonitization by Modi Government, Rahul Gandhi was left in an embarrassing situation today when he went out to show solidarity with people standing in ATM queues but instead joined a queue in front of a public toilet. The people around him welcomed him open-heartedly, though their faces were strained due to other issues in their minds.
"I was feeling ecstatic standing in the same queue as Rahul Gandhi himself. i had never imagined that politicians also have to face similar emergencies", said Jal Kumar, the person standing before Rahul in the queue.
To grab media attention, Rahul showed the faces of the exhausted and nervous people standing in the queue to the cameramen and demanded that demonization be reverted. He even went to the extend of blocking the toilet gate and not letting anyone inside as a symbol of protest, causing a lot of people to rush towards the bushes.
All congress karyakartas then stormed the gate with Rahul Gandhi, only to find closed doors and a few wash basins. Even then, Rahul was unable to understand that he had instead barged into a toilet and claimed that ATMs had been stolen by BJP supporters.
"All ATMs have been stolen and replaced with wash basins! This is the biggest scam in the history of India!", shouted Rahul Gandhi followed by anti-Modi slogans.
The drama did not end there and Rahul forced open a closed door, only to find Arvind Kejriwal in an embarrassing situation, but what he admits was still better than the words Kejriwal publicly speaks. It was then that the Congress supporters, majority of them unable to read, realized that they had mistakenly entered a toilet instead of an ATM.
Sonia Gandhi has washed away this humiliating mistake of her son and called it an anti-BJP propaganda to defame the Congress president. She also added that he was instead supporting Swachhh Bharat Abhiyaan as he has finally understood the details now.

Saturday, November 5, 2016

'Twinkle Twinkle little star' removed from Delhi's nursery syllabus as stars disappear in smog

The Delhi government on Monday took an encouraging step to raise awareness among children towards pollution by removing an age-old kindergarten rhyme from the syllabus.
The poem, ‘Twinkle twinkle little star’, had been misleading the children in Delhi for a long time now as the pollution levels had risen beyond control. A lot of children had been asking their teachers and parents to show them stars, to which they had repeatedly played Coldplay’s “A sky full of stars” to divert their attention.
“It is difficult for everyone now. The last time someone saw stars in Delhi was 15 years back. The kids are being ridiculous,” said Taara Singh, the Principal of Little Stars World Universe International school, welcoming the government’s decision.
“We also plan to remove any poem related to ‘Chanda Maamu’ as well,” he added.
Parents are equally relieved as they are the ones who have to handle kids at night. “My daughter bought a telescope to see stars but all she could manage to see through the smog and pollution is the street light opposite our home. We somehow convinced her that it was an orange star,” said Twinkle Sharma, mother of a 4 year old girl.
The Delhi government is now planning stronger steps to curb anything that creates a sense of distress among people related to pollution and their childhood stargazing memories, starting from anyone whose name resembles stars, planets or moon. The prime targets are people named Taara, Chaand, Mangal and Twinkle.

Pakistan's F-16 planes to be used for selling vegetables due to unaffordable maintenance cost

The much hyped F-16 fighter jets that Pakistan received from the US will no longer be stationed at Pakistan's air force bases due to unaffordable maintenance costs. The fighter jets were received by Pakistan as a part of its pseudo war against India behind the veil of "Fight against terrorism" and have since then been lying unused.
"These jets make us feel like a beggar holding an iphone. No matter how good the phone is, we can't afford even its back cover", said Pakistan's Air Chief Marshal. "It will be good if we can instead use these jets for better purposes like selling aloo, pyaaz and tamatar."
The Pakistan Air Force had accepted these jets open heartedly and had even received 5 litres of free fuel from the United States. "They didn't tell us that these jets don't run on diesel or CNG. We tried fitting a CNG cylinder on one of the jets for better mileage but minutes later the cylinder as well as the jet were flying in the air, in a hundred pieces each", lamented Nawaz Haraami, a close aide of the prime minister of Pakistan. "This is a bloody useless plane. The only useful parts are the tyres with which the kids can play using sticks." added Nawaz.
The fighter planes have some space behind the cockpit which will now be used for keeping vegetables. "Finally I will be able to drive this plane, though it will be pulled on the streets by Chattu-Battu, the official cows of Pakistan Army", exclaimed a fighter jet pilot who had trained on a Maruti 800 designed as an F-16 plane.
The American government is embarrassed though. In a recent interview with Faking News, a US diplomat to Pakistan said, "There is not a single occasion when Pakistan does not show it's real standard of a true beggar. No matter how much we assist them, it will always remain like a toilet with a stolen a gate which hasn't been flushed for years."

There is also a possibility that these jets may be used for drying clothes from a nearby laundry if the vegetable business does not earn enough revenue for Pakistan.

Friday, September 9, 2016

Coldplay to offer EMI options for it's Mumbai concert tickets

After rumours of Coldplay performing in Mumbai in November, and another rumour of the concert tickets being priced between Rs. 25000 to 5 lakhs, Coldplay has finally confirmed that they will offer EMI options for Indians to attend the concert if they do perform in India. The band was forced to announce the EMI option after massive uproar against the exorbitantly priced tickets which took a sudden political turn when Arvind Kejriwal called Coldplay a puppet of Mukesh Ambani.

Chris Martin, the band's vocalist, clarified that the tickets have been priced after calculating the amount that a person would have after selling a kidney and buying an iPhone 7. "We do not want our supporters' money to go waste. Whatever is leftover after selling a kidney and buying an iPhone can be used for the concert ticket", said Chris.

Meanwhile, millions of Coldplay supporters have already stopped eating to save money for the concert. FakingNews interviewed Gattu Singh from Mumbai, who claims to be the biggest fan of Coldplay. He said "I will eat only curd rice for the next three months to save money for the EMI. Concert to jaake rahunga".

Another Coldplay fan, who has always sold fake tickets outside movie theatres, is upset as the fake tickets he had printed have only Rs. 3000 printed on them. "Saara mazaa kharab ho gaya!".

Meanwhile, to cash in on the sudden increase in demand for credit cards, HDFC and SBI have launched offers to give free local train tickets to the concert venue, an attractive offer for the bankrobbed fans!

Sunday, May 22, 2016

IT Engineer faints in Bangalore PG due to lack of oxygen in room

An IT engineer in Bengaluru, Araam Singh, fell unconscious on Sunday due to lack of Oxygen in his PG room. Araam Singh had recently moved into the new 10-sharing PG room after shifting to Bengaluru last week and had complained of uneasiness in the last two days when an 11th person was adjusted into the room by the owner.

After inspection of the room, the police confirmed that the room was fit only for 2 people and the rest had been illegally adjusted. There was exactly one window and that too was inside the bathroom.

Initial investigation has revealed that one of the room mates had some trouble digesting the mixture of rubber and gum provided by the mess inside the PG, after which he had to spend half the day in the bathroom, thereby cutting off the only supply of oxygen from the bathroom window to the entire room. Adding to the misery, the room mate closed the window since he could see some women staring at him from the opposite flat's balcony.

Araam Singh, who himself was waiting for his turn to use the bathroom, was lying down half unconscious when suddenly he started screaming "Oxygen chahiye, Oxgyen kodi, Oxygen maadi, Oxygen beku!", using whatever Kannada words he had learned in the last two weeks,

The PG owner couldn't understand what Araam Singh wanted and had to hop over all the beds to reach Araam Singh. Things were in control finally when one person suggested to throw Araam Singh on the terrace where he finally recovered.

As of the latest update, Araam Singh has reportedly been shifted to a newly constructed premiere room in the PG with one window next to the bed at double the cost.